Défi

Hello. It's been a while. How are you?

Snow has barely fallen. Ice remains. Little Louie grows livelier every day. He's a smart one with innocent eyes. A kind face and curious expression. 

I missed critical foundational moments early on. It's crucial, in the development of any species, to be present in the early days and weeks. You only have one chance to make your mark. After that, it's a bit of an uphill battle to gain back what you've lost. So, that is where I am with Louie.

It's nothing I can't handle or work with. However, I am complaining. The plan, I set out for Louie didn't happen. Complaining will not change that. Only accepting the challenge will. That is the lesson, friends. 

"Challenges" at Despair.com

Dark Lights

A large truck with double headlights followed me home tonight.

Two or three years ago my Ex, replaced my headlights with brighter ones. No complaint on my part as I could see more road and appreciated the gesture. However, driving after sundown is a hit or miss situation of which drivers my bright lights will offend. The flickering of their headlights as they approach and pass me is a clear indication.

"There is nothing I can do," I say to them with my mind. I'm sure all consider me a rude driver, and this embarrasses me. Tonight is the first time a driver turned around and followed me with high beams deliberately. For several residential blocks along Broadway, we traveled the same direction. At last the driver turned off the road just before the capital building. But, I saw the hesitation at the stop sign.

Headlights in the Dark

Thinking to myself, "Well, I guess they finally decided I've learned my lesson, they've gone their merry way." I did look back to get a better look - it appeared white or gray in color. This was when I began thinking of all the ways human interactions go wrong. Of all the encounters I've had with strangers that could have ended badly.  Typical fears crossed my mind: rape, murder, injury... I was reminded of the dangers of the world. I'm a woman, and all sorts of things go along with that. I shrug it off and continue towards my neighborhood. 

Turning on the main road towards home, guess who is driving up the way. *sigh* At the sight of my beautiful bright lights, the large truck with double headlights slows down and almost comes to a complete stop. Then hastily makes a turn - onto my street. Great.

I suppose I could have (should have) driven to the gas station and create distance, but instead turned and was now following it. The truck slowed down, then picked up speed, and slowed down again and quickly parked in an open space along my block just a few houses away from mine.

Safety protocols indicate NOT to drive home. Safety protocols also suggest making eye contact with your potential threat. So I did. I drove past and parked at home (I have a healing kitten to look after). I got out of my truck and made sure the large truck with the double high beam headlights saw me seeing it.

It's not the first time I've had to do that. Strangely the first time it happened, while walking Mick, on a snowy night - it too, was a white or gray truck. I'll admit to hiding behind a tree until I gathered my courage to cross the street, make eye contact and quickly walk back to my apartment.  

Not everything is dangerous to all. 

Yet, some dangers are unique to some.

Stay safe my friends. 

Dreams and Snow Fall

The day began on the sidewalk. Standing under the powdered snow canopy of a mature tree I saw 3 deer poke their heads out from behind tall bushes. They eyed me but were far more interested in the small dog heading their way. The human handler almost made the mistake of following his dog. Glad he slowed down and waited for the deer to make their move. It's best not to frighten them by walking right into them.

Photo Credit: (c)deyanira.

Somewhere in the middle of the morning's deer sighting and rescue from leaving my keys hanging off the key rack, I found my smile. I can only laugh at myself for having to stand at the driveway for twenty minutes. I'm in good spirits these days waking from dreams never before had.

Not to everyone, but for some, remembered dreams illustrate parallels of waking life. I've written about mine before. Not just descriptions but discussing the odd connections and surprising insight. Food has made a reappearance. Nourishment. 

A typical food dream, for me, is walking the halls of grocery stores taking stock of the abundance of cheeses, fruit, and bags of potato chips. I don't eat any of it. I can't access it. At the register, the cart filled with food is left behind. I walk across parking lots empty-handed.  A common interpretation of the appearance of food is that consuming it is to nourish oneself. If you can't eat in your dream, you are unable to "take care" of yourself in the waking world. There is something in your life that you are unable to nourish, like your heart, mind, soul, body. 

Five days ago, I awoke having dreamed of stuffing so much food in my mouth that I couldn't chew! But, that didn't stop me from eating and eating and eating. First time ever. This is a big deal. This aligns perfectly with the state of things in my waking world. There is a sense of stability. Of groundedness. Direction. Calm. This is no coincidence, people. 

On this Wednesday, #WindowWednesday in some internet circles, I submit a photo taken within the last week. Nothing but raindrops to wash away all the burdens. There are enough drops for everyone. 

This day ends with a strange sense of accomplishment. 

The Leaves are Turning

I read today. At the hair salon. Under the heat-helmet contraption. Why is this worthy of a post, or merit delivery into your inbox, you ask? Well, I focused. Read every word without distraction. The ADHD-like and hyper-depressive mood swings I've experienced, since this time last year, are dissipating. Finally. Relief. Balance. Calm. 

Artist Unknown

My fingers are crossed. This week has the potential for bright productivity. More appropriate interactions with others. And, remember those interactions clearly, like what I said and who I said it to.

A girl can dream. So, I do.

I'd like to share, my kitten King Leonidas George Muffin, but we call him Roman for short, the First, is behaving oddly. He's low energy. A bit droopy. He drapes himself across my lap or my chest. If I move, he doesn't. This is the most noticeable change.  Months past, he'd jump and run away. He waits, instead lets me pick him up without protest. I have no explanation. Initially, I could say the foster cats affected his behavior. I could even go as far as Roman feeling a bit left out or pushed aside by the temporary arrangement.

I enjoy the extra cuddle time, but not if he's suffering from lethargy.  A visit to the fur-baby doctor is around the corner. 

Roman, circa 2017
(c)deyanira.

A Tweet

It appears I tweeted rather sternly, the other day.

In Color

I've craved the feeling of painting while at home. My weekly visits to my favorite pottery store aren't enough lately. Several years ago I bought a few of those adult coloring books that are supposed to reduce anxiety and increase concentration. They frustrated me. I was impatient. Didn't even like the metallic color pencils I purchased for the sake of the tin they came in. 

Photo Credi (c)deyanira.

I've changed this past year. Part of me is calm. Part of me is erratic. Part of me still cares. But, most of me is looking for colors I've never seen before. Colors he'll never know or understand. It's these days I've turned to that which once caused me strife. See what I've done now? Added color to pages designed to entice and draw us in. 

I've listened to my heart through music and stumbled through the lyrical maze. Each time, the pain that once pulsated through my pores and streamed down my cheeks is harder to find.

I've turned to colors to amend my mood, give me perspective and a better life. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Definitely. Coloring these black and white pages and adding my color to them makes me happy. Happy, like a child. Happy, like I used to be - that innocent, kind of cheer. Do you remember that feeling? It was the sense of the present. Of being fully immersed in your mind and creation. Remember?

Insignificant, Chest Wounds

An open gaping wound,

throbs at my chest.

If you could only see it,

darkness in the cavity,

the illuminated torn edges of flesh.

If you can feel it,

despite the biting cold surrounding it,

warm red drips from my fingertips. 

The wound is insignificance. 

Self Destruct by NekroXIII
(modified image found on Pinterest)

Best Laid Plans

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Nothing is ever what it seems, and nothing ever turns out exactly as you expect. Variables exist we know not of until it's too late. I sit in front of a messy desk with folders, papers, and a half-filled coffee mug in need of a refill. Laundry is a go, but a few dishes remain in the sink. It's brisk out, and my pups and cats are resting while I listen to one of my favorite playlists.  

Despite the disarray, disjointed productivity and interruptions, it's still a good day. I'm alive. I'm safe. We never know where we are until we get there. In between the places, we find ourselves there is always an opportunity to end up somewhere else.  

Photographer: Masayasu SAKUMA
(found here)

In celebration of where I am and where I could have ended up. I will tell you stories about myself. Each post will contain a little nugget about me. A tiny kernel that glitters in the sun like flakes of diamond dust. The title of the weblog illustrates my greatest hang-up and toughest climb. Expressing precisely what I mean, think, fear, love, and wonder about in ways in which you will understand.

T.T.F.N.