Syndrome

Take a look at this list. I typed "constantly changing" into the search field in hopes of finding something on a person's need to continually change aesthetics. It's comprehensive, this list is. It covers all the necessary things we're interested in our lives: ourselves and others. 

Photo Credit: (c)deyanria.

I never did find what I meant to: an answer to my constant need to continue to change this website.  Template after template, fonts, color schemes, and other tweaks. Too much self-editing. 

Giving too much and not enough - story of my life. I give people more than they need. Holding back seems, well, it's forced. I wasn't taught to be selective. I wasn't taught self-preservation. I was given examples of how to hide one's true self. It's much more work to do that than it is to give what I think you need. At least, that's how I see it: pretending. 

Don't get me wrong playing pretends was my favorite game as a kid. So much imagination goes into that. You never know how the story is gonna' go until you're right there making the decisions and bouncing ideas off each other. Remember how fun that was?

If you're still wondering about the title of this post...read the first search query. I read that as syndrome not synonym. For a quarter of a split second, I found what I was looking for. Yep. I did click on it. If you're laughing, worry not. You laugh with me not at me. 

// This late night post may not make sense tomorrow morning.

Sorry about that. 

In Color

I've craved the feeling of painting while at home. My weekly visits to my favorite pottery store aren't enough lately. Several years ago I bought a few of those adult coloring books that are supposed to reduce anxiety and increase concentration. They frustrated me. I was impatient. Didn't even like the metallic color pencils I purchased for the sake of the tin they came in. 

Photo Credi (c)deyanira.

I've changed this past year. Part of me is calm. Part of me is erratic. Part of me still cares. But, most of me is looking for colors I've never seen before. Colors he'll never know or understand. It's these days I've turned to that which once caused me strife. See what I've done now? Added color to pages designed to entice and draw us in. 

I've listened to my heart through music and stumbled through the lyrical maze. Each time, the pain that once pulsated through my pores and streamed down my cheeks is harder to find.

I've turned to colors to amend my mood, give me perspective and a better life. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Definitely. Coloring these black and white pages and adding my color to them makes me happy. Happy, like a child. Happy, like I used to be - that innocent, kind of cheer. Do you remember that feeling? It was the sense of the present. Of being fully immersed in your mind and creation. Remember?

Right for You

“When the time is right you’ll know,” they say.

Right for what?

For whom?

As we look to our futures through the windows of our cars, corner offices, and living rooms. We are alone. No two experiences are alike. In a place full of people, all looking through the same pane of glass at the world outside, the experience is not the same. Perceptions are unique. Feelings over the observed landscape are unique. It’s the feeling that changes us. It’s the feeling that pulls us apart and divides us. It’s the feeling that brings us together.

Look around you. Are you with friends? Family? Maybe strangers at a coffee shop or library? The number of people you are surrounded by at any given time is the number of similarities and differences you’ll engage (should you choose to).

We all face challenges, course correcting moments and life-altering decisions. Our reasons* may be the same as the person next to us, but it is the motivation* behind what we do (or don’t do) that is unique.

When is the right time to follow your gut? Instinct? When is the right time to pay attention to your “spider senses?” The answer is every time it surfaces. Every time your body tells you the persons you are surrounded by is deceiving you, is dangerous, is unfaithful, and untrustworthy. Agreement or compliance from others is not a sign they will protect you, have your best interest, or even come to your aide.

It’s an overwhelming thought to consider we are alone walking alongside a loved one, a friend, or a confidant. Each choice we make is for our very own reasons. Even when others make the same decision you do, the motivation is different. There are pressures to comply, conform, and make others happy. There is pressure not to disappoint or appear insensitive or inconsiderate.

Image Source: TED How to Make Choices

Sometimes, going against the grain, moving against the current, is taking care of yourself for yourself and no one else. It’s best not to wait. It’s best not to put it off. It’s best to consider your feelings before others. It’s a form of selfishness that keeps you from self-destructing by losing yourself to the demands of others.


// *Do you agree with WikiDiff's comparison and contrast of reason and motivation?

May the Fourth be with You (and Me, too)

This past 4th of July I felt genuine happiness to be alive.  I felt whole - more whole than I have in years. I'm light on baggage, it seems. 2018 turned out to be better than the year before. So much so, I now breathe easy at the thoughts of future endeavors. I am not typically this calm. Never been less anxious about the outcome. I know not what to attribute this to.

In the past, my writings dealt with the perception of floating or not being anchored. I didn't have a sense of purpose after my 'great depression' of 2008-2010 - give or take a year or two. I've amped up my writing and increased the volume (so to speak) by making them more public. Poetry became the most useful outlet to get through the worst of it. As my depression eases and I experience more and more days of genuine happiness, I write less poetry and more prose. 

In the past 10-months, I have written more meaningful pieces with well thought out ideas and focus on the topics. It feels empowering. It feels energizing. The written word is more sacred than ever before. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/hippie/2475835909