Dark Lights

A large truck with double headlights followed me home tonight.

Two or three years ago my Ex, replaced my headlights with brighter ones. No complaint on my part as I could see more road and appreciated the gesture. However, driving after sundown is a hit or miss situation of which drivers my bright lights will offend. The flickering of their headlights as they approach and pass me is a clear indication.

"There is nothing I can do," I say to them with my mind. I'm sure all consider me a rude driver, and this embarrasses me. Tonight is the first time a driver turned around and followed me with high beams deliberately. For several residential blocks along Broadway, we traveled the same direction. At last the driver turned off the road just before the capital building. But, I saw the hesitation at the stop sign.

Headlights in the Dark

Thinking to myself, "Well, I guess they finally decided I've learned my lesson, they've gone their merry way." I did look back to get a better look - it appeared white or gray in color. This was when I began thinking of all the ways human interactions go wrong. Of all the encounters I've had with strangers that could have ended badly.  Typical fears crossed my mind: rape, murder, injury... I was reminded of the dangers of the world. I'm a woman, and all sorts of things go along with that. I shrug it off and continue towards my neighborhood. 

Turning on the main road towards home, guess who is driving up the way. *sigh* At the sight of my beautiful bright lights, the large truck with double headlights slows down and almost comes to a complete stop. Then hastily makes a turn - onto my street. Great.

I suppose I could have (should have) driven to the gas station and create distance, but instead turned and was now following it. The truck slowed down, then picked up speed, and slowed down again and quickly parked in an open space along my block just a few houses away from mine.

Safety protocols indicate NOT to drive home. Safety protocols also suggest making eye contact with your potential threat. So I did. I drove past and parked at home (I have a healing kitten to look after). I got out of my truck and made sure the large truck with the double high beam headlights saw me seeing it.

It's not the first time I've had to do that. Strangely the first time it happened, while walking Mick, on a snowy night - it too, was a white or gray truck. I'll admit to hiding behind a tree until I gathered my courage to cross the street, make eye contact and quickly walk back to my apartment.  

Not everything is dangerous to all. 

Yet, some dangers are unique to some.

Stay safe my friends. 

Crisp

Photo Credit: (c)deyanira.

The snow hasn't fallen yet - not really.  A few weeks ago the skies teased us with a taste of an early Winter, but it soon morphed into lovely Fall days.  Leave are everywhere. It's colorful along all the neighborhood streets. When parking along a curb, I can hear the crunch of the dry leaves which is as satisfying as a potato chip.

Write it Out

Dreams and Snow Fall

The day began on the sidewalk. Standing under the powdered snow canopy of a mature tree I saw 3 deer poke their heads out from behind tall bushes. They eyed me but were far more interested in the small dog heading their way. The human handler almost made the mistake of following his dog. Glad he slowed down and waited for the deer to make their move. It's best not to frighten them by walking right into them.

Photo Credit: (c)deyanira.

Somewhere in the middle of the morning's deer sighting and rescue from leaving my keys hanging off the key rack, I found my smile. I can only laugh at myself for having to stand at the driveway for twenty minutes. I'm in good spirits these days waking from dreams never before had.

Not to everyone, but for some, remembered dreams illustrate parallels of waking life. I've written about mine before. Not just descriptions but discussing the odd connections and surprising insight. Food has made a reappearance. Nourishment. 

A typical food dream, for me, is walking the halls of grocery stores taking stock of the abundance of cheeses, fruit, and bags of potato chips. I don't eat any of it. I can't access it. At the register, the cart filled with food is left behind. I walk across parking lots empty-handed.  A common interpretation of the appearance of food is that consuming it is to nourish oneself. If you can't eat in your dream, you are unable to "take care" of yourself in the waking world. There is something in your life that you are unable to nourish, like your heart, mind, soul, body. 

Five days ago, I awoke having dreamed of stuffing so much food in my mouth that I couldn't chew! But, that didn't stop me from eating and eating and eating. First time ever. This is a big deal. This aligns perfectly with the state of things in my waking world. There is a sense of stability. Of groundedness. Direction. Calm. This is no coincidence, people. 

On this Wednesday, #WindowWednesday in some internet circles, I submit a photo taken within the last week. Nothing but raindrops to wash away all the burdens. There are enough drops for everyone. 

This day ends with a strange sense of accomplishment. 

Old Words

I woke up to read old words.

In the quiet of the night, under a dark sky, and far from twinkling stars, I open up an old journal. In 2009, I published my first online blog post, titled Random's Sunday. What it meant, I don't know. The sun was bright on that day. I sat in my backyard with my three pups, Tibby, Lokie, and little Peanut while they laid sunning themselves alongside the pool. The citrus trees in full bloom of Orange and Lime filled the air of sour and sweet. Southern California is a magical place - even more so is the sun above Palm Springs. 

I don't remember why I chose the online forum over trusted private paper journals. I recall a sense of urgency that handwritten notes no longer satisfied. At the time, I struggled financially along with everyone one else feeling the adverse effects of the explosive burst of the housing bubble crisis. A year in I was filled with a quiet frenzy. A paralyzed state. All I could do to survive is move about mechanically. Wake. Work. Sleep. Wake. Work. Sleep. Wake. Work. Sleep. Etc.

"Peanut, Tibby, Lokie" circa '08-'09
Photo Credit: ©deyanira.

In between, I'd eat some days, feed my dogs the other days. Made sure to have enough gas in my Volkswagen to get me to work a week at a time. Them there were dark days under a bright sun. My mechanical approach to life soon rusted and cracked. Wake late. Work daze. Sleep not. Wake late. Work daze. Sleep not. Wake late. Work daze. Sleep not. Etc.

Ten years later, I still write while you sleep.

"The Hobbit Writing" GIF

Right for You

“When the time is right you’ll know,” they say.

Right for what?

For whom?

As we look to our futures through the windows of our cars, corner offices, and living rooms. We are alone. No two experiences are alike. In a place full of people, all looking through the same pane of glass at the world outside, the experience is not the same. Perceptions are unique. Feelings over the observed landscape are unique. It’s the feeling that changes us. It’s the feeling that pulls us apart and divides us. It’s the feeling that brings us together.

Look around you. Are you with friends? Family? Maybe strangers at a coffee shop or library? The number of people you are surrounded by at any given time is the number of similarities and differences you’ll engage (should you choose to).

We all face challenges, course correcting moments and life-altering decisions. Our reasons* may be the same as the person next to us, but it is the motivation* behind what we do (or don’t do) that is unique.

When is the right time to follow your gut? Instinct? When is the right time to pay attention to your “spider senses?” The answer is every time it surfaces. Every time your body tells you the persons you are surrounded by is deceiving you, is dangerous, is unfaithful, and untrustworthy. Agreement or compliance from others is not a sign they will protect you, have your best interest, or even come to your aide.

It’s an overwhelming thought to consider we are alone walking alongside a loved one, a friend, or a confidant. Each choice we make is for our very own reasons. Even when others make the same decision you do, the motivation is different. There are pressures to comply, conform, and make others happy. There is pressure not to disappoint or appear insensitive or inconsiderate.

Image Source: TED How to Make Choices

Sometimes, going against the grain, moving against the current, is taking care of yourself for yourself and no one else. It’s best not to wait. It’s best not to put it off. It’s best to consider your feelings before others. It’s a form of selfishness that keeps you from self-destructing by losing yourself to the demands of others.


// *Do you agree with WikiDiff's comparison and contrast of reason and motivation?

The Photo Feed

Edited photo by (c)deyanira.

Twenty years ago, I thumbed through photo albums. Slowly turning each page, caressing the photos stuck to the pages. Memories flood the mind. Photos were taken deliberately. Photos were planned. Pictures were special. 

Today, photos feel different - the collection of them. The digital space we take advantage of through our camera phones and editing apps have created an overabundance of photographic opportunity and creativity. I love it! And, I'm frustrated with it.

Original photo by (c)deyanira.

 

Too many. I have too many digital photos. We all do. We've become hoarders of digital media. Multiple copies of 'em. At least, I do. There is always the back up of the original photo. There is the backup of the filtered Instagram photo, Prisma app, Snapseed app, and other editing apps. If shared on social media sites, there is now that many copies on more than one server. 

Not much joy, do I take in scrolling through my personal digital photo feed. Does anyone else feel that? How good are you at finding photos from years ago? Do you have a copy of your digital images in the cloud and your computer?

This sunflower resides in Montana. Lut up by a beautiful bright sun. You wouldn't know it by the original image. The cleaned up photo is more true to what I saw and wanted to capture when I pulled out my phone.  It took Google Photos to automatically edit to digitally produce what I saw on that day. 

How do you manage your digital collection? Care to share your filing structure?