When Good Things Happen, Bad Things Follow

To write through it is to face it.
I'm not so sure I'm doing that.
In fact, I don't look at it at all.
I won't acknowledge the view through the looking glass.

All my words are tainted with his violence and disregard.

No poem without sadness and shame exists.
No story without anger and fury can I write.

All I know is when good things happen, bad things follow. -- (c)deyanira.

Dark Lights

A large truck with double headlights followed me home tonight.

Two or three years ago my Ex, replaced my headlights with brighter ones. No complaint on my part as I could see more road and appreciated the gesture. However, driving after sundown is a hit or miss situation of which drivers my bright lights will offend. The flickering of their headlights as they approach and pass me is a clear indication.

"There is nothing I can do," I say to them with my mind. I'm sure all consider me a rude driver, and this embarrasses me. Tonight is the first time a driver turned around and followed me with high beams deliberately. For several residential blocks along Broadway, we traveled the same direction. At last the driver turned off the road just before the capital building. But, I saw the hesitation at the stop sign.

Headlights in the Dark

Thinking to myself, "Well, I guess they finally decided I've learned my lesson, they've gone their merry way." I did look back to get a better look - it appeared white or gray in color. This was when I began thinking of all the ways human interactions go wrong. Of all the encounters I've had with strangers that could have ended badly.  Typical fears crossed my mind: rape, murder, injury... I was reminded of the dangers of the world. I'm a woman, and all sorts of things go along with that. I shrug it off and continue towards my neighborhood. 

Turning on the main road towards home, guess who is driving up the way. *sigh* At the sight of my beautiful bright lights, the large truck with double headlights slows down and almost comes to a complete stop. Then hastily makes a turn - onto my street. Great.

I suppose I could have (should have) driven to the gas station and create distance, but instead turned and was now following it. The truck slowed down, then picked up speed, and slowed down again and quickly parked in an open space along my block just a few houses away from mine.

Safety protocols indicate NOT to drive home. Safety protocols also suggest making eye contact with your potential threat. So I did. I drove past and parked at home (I have a healing kitten to look after). I got out of my truck and made sure the large truck with the double high beam headlights saw me seeing it.

It's not the first time I've had to do that. Strangely the first time it happened, while walking Mick, on a snowy night - it too, was a white or gray truck. I'll admit to hiding behind a tree until I gathered my courage to cross the street, make eye contact and quickly walk back to my apartment.  

Not everything is dangerous to all. 

Yet, some dangers are unique to some.

Stay safe my friends. 

Jelly Fish

Surrounded by two dogs, four chickens, one cat, three horses, and a hidden mouse, I sit in silence. Well, almost. My "thumbs up" curated playlist with a variety of musicians and sounds lulls the animals to sleep.

The dark cloud overhead is moving away despite the nested nightmares. Of us arguing, of me seeing the real you, of you in the kitchen cooking. She lays on the couch in stockings clicking away on an iPhone watching us. Faced with my knowledge of the truth you continue to fry bacon. Why are you in the kitchen? Why the hell am I there? And, can she please put on some pants. Does she even know all those you hide? You'll hurt her too. You know that better than I. Your cruelty has no limit, in what way did I insult offend you to receive what I did from you?

"Twin Flame" (2017) 

This dream is about accepting what I've known throughout. You too easily gave her up early on. You too easily agreed with my requests. You too easily said Yes to me. My mistake and only mistake is to trust you. If only I could take all that time back. All the energy and wasted emotion. I could then erase the tears and finally, finally scream. 

It weighs on me still, the nothing you turned out to be. An encrusted shell you surround yourself with glistens in the moonlight. The sun turned enemy shows off the zirconias and not the diamonds you pretend to hold. She's too young to know the difference. And, suddenly I understand the appeal. The need you have to not be seen. She doesn't know you like I do. A part of me hopes she never will. 

#SurvivedHim



// *By the Horns* by Julia Stone

The Seasons

Tonight I'm reminded of Exposé's Seasons Change. I'd forgotten how much of a love song it is. It's sweet and innocent, this video. Three friends, together helping the other move on - forward w/their lives.

Things are different. Maybe, that's why these lyrics ring in my ear. It's early fall, and the air is not yet crisp. Last year was the coldest I've experienced here. I'm looking forward to this year's snowfall, bulky sweaters, boots, and potato leek soup. Winter cooking churns out the best meals. It's hearty. Much more satisfying than summer meals. Fall is a bit of both Winter and Summer, a strange blend. At least in my kitchen. Salads - fruit and vegetable, warm sandwiches, cold beer, but no icy drinks. 

🎶♯♭🎝

// Remember 1987? No! This music video will take you back. Enjoy.

"Some dreams are in the night time

And some seem like yesterday

But leaves turn brown and fade

Ships sail away

You long to say a thousand words

But seasons change

It feels like it's forever

No reason for emptiness

But time just runs away

No more day by day

You dream again it seems in vain

When seasons change

I want you

I want to feel you by my side

I need you

Don't you know I need you baby

Seasons change feelings change

It's been so long since I found you

Yet it seems like yesterday

Seasons change people change

I'll sacrifice tomorrow

Just to have you here today

For ever seems so far away

There's time for love and for play

You dream about today

Feeling slips away

The winds that blow they go away

And seasons change

I want you

Don't hide your feelings from inside

I need you

I've got to have your love now baby

Seasons change feelings change

It's been so long since I found you

Yet it seems like yesterday

Seasons change people change

I want you

I want to feel you by my side

I need you

I've got to have your love now baby

Seasons change feelings change

It's been so long since I found you

Yet it seems like yesterday

Seasons change people change

I'll sacrifice tomorrow

Just to have you here today

Just to have you here today

Seasons change feelings change

It's been so long since I found you

Yet it seems like yesterday

Seasons change people change

Change the season"

Songwriters: Lewis A Martinee

Seasons Change lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Exposed

I said the thing, used the word, invoked His name. It sounded foreign. Unknown. Distant and valueless. It would hurt him to know. He values admiration. Expects adoration. Is insulted to receive any other kind of attention. A year ago - how do I explain? A few days ago I was asked why I missed a significant fundraising event last Fall. 

"I experienced a concussion," I calmly said. 

I made a mental note of just how calmly I said it and then immediately felt awkward because I had no follow-up to that. As expected by most everyone I've said it too (which aren't many), the person gave me a surprised look and showed immediate concern. I knew not what to say without shedding more fragments of that past life with a dangerous man I was lucky to have gotten away from. 

"It's OK. I'm alright," I said in a knee-jerk reaction.

We do that, it turns out, to make you feel better, or less guilty, or not sorry about our circumstances. All it does is diminish an experience that deserves acknowledgment. I hate I did that, but there was no way to walk it back without getting into the details.

I said it calmly and conversationally to another person. That's growth. It has to be.

domestic-violence-awareness

Insignificant, Chest Wounds

An open gaping wound,

throbs at my chest.

If you could only see it,

darkness in the cavity,

the illuminated torn edges of flesh.

If you can feel it,

despite the biting cold surrounding it,

warm red drips from my fingertips. 

The wound is insignificance. 

Self Destruct by NekroXIII
(modified image found on Pinterest)

May the Fourth be with You (and Me, too)

This past 4th of July I felt genuine happiness to be alive.  I felt whole - more whole than I have in years. I'm light on baggage, it seems. 2018 turned out to be better than the year before. So much so, I now breathe easy at the thoughts of future endeavors. I am not typically this calm. Never been less anxious about the outcome. I know not what to attribute this to.

In the past, my writings dealt with the perception of floating or not being anchored. I didn't have a sense of purpose after my 'great depression' of 2008-2010 - give or take a year or two. I've amped up my writing and increased the volume (so to speak) by making them more public. Poetry became the most useful outlet to get through the worst of it. As my depression eases and I experience more and more days of genuine happiness, I write less poetry and more prose. 

In the past 10-months, I have written more meaningful pieces with well thought out ideas and focus on the topics. It feels empowering. It feels energizing. The written word is more sacred than ever before. 

https://www.flickr.com/photos/hippie/2475835909