Syndrome

Take a look at this list. I typed "constantly changing" into the search field in hopes of finding something on a person's need to continually change aesthetics. It's comprehensive, this list is. It covers all the necessary things we're interested in our lives: ourselves and others. 

Photo Credit: (c)deyanria.

I never did find what I meant to: an answer to my constant need to continue to change this website.  Template after template, fonts, color schemes, and other tweaks. Too much self-editing. 

Giving too much and not enough - story of my life. I give people more than they need. Holding back seems, well, it's forced. I wasn't taught to be selective. I wasn't taught self-preservation. I was given examples of how to hide one's true self. It's much more work to do that than it is to give what I think you need. At least, that's how I see it: pretending. 

Don't get me wrong playing pretends was my favorite game as a kid. So much imagination goes into that. You never know how the story is gonna' go until you're right there making the decisions and bouncing ideas off each other. Remember how fun that was?

If you're still wondering about the title of this post...read the first search query. I read that as syndrome not synonym. For a quarter of a split second, I found what I was looking for. Yep. I did click on it. If you're laughing, worry not. You laugh with me not at me. 

// This late night post may not make sense tomorrow morning.

Sorry about that. 

In Color

I've craved the feeling of painting while at home. My weekly visits to my favorite pottery store aren't enough lately. Several years ago I bought a few of those adult coloring books that are supposed to reduce anxiety and increase concentration. They frustrated me. I was impatient. Didn't even like the metallic color pencils I purchased for the sake of the tin they came in. 

Photo Credi (c)deyanira.

I've changed this past year. Part of me is calm. Part of me is erratic. Part of me still cares. But, most of me is looking for colors I've never seen before. Colors he'll never know or understand. It's these days I've turned to that which once caused me strife. See what I've done now? Added color to pages designed to entice and draw us in. 

I've listened to my heart through music and stumbled through the lyrical maze. Each time, the pain that once pulsated through my pores and streamed down my cheeks is harder to find.

I've turned to colors to amend my mood, give me perspective and a better life. Cheesy? Maybe. True? Definitely. Coloring these black and white pages and adding my color to them makes me happy. Happy, like a child. Happy, like I used to be - that innocent, kind of cheer. Do you remember that feeling? It was the sense of the present. Of being fully immersed in your mind and creation. Remember?